Nobody knows what she's holding back.

Hello:

Woke up on the right side of bed today. I woke up feeling invincible, and well, I am most definitely invincible. I used to be known as Vince Carter to some (Vivian Chow, VC, Vince Carter), and well, Vince is in invincible. :) I knew it'd be a great day - a great last day of break of my junior year. And I woke rather early, if I may say ... 2 P.M. Haha. Okay, not quite early enough to be breaking back into my school habits, but early enough.

Still in a fight with my mom and we were the only ones home. I avoided her, she avoided me. I wanted to talk to her, but I held back. Whatever I say or do is wrong and I don't mind so much. Only if she knew I don't and never will hold a grudge against anything or everything she has done. After all, she is my mother, and I could never - I love her. My dad called home, "Are you home ?" Yes, dad, I obviously am if you called the house. Haha. I love him. My brother and sister spent the night at my cousins, and I have to admit, it felt really great to not have them home for once. Those two lovely little people are so annoying sometimes, but truly the two most adorable kids I adore. My grandmother isn't home yet, but she will be soon. She'll be exhausted like every other day she comes home from work. I miss her. My two dogs have been barking off the hook today, and I'm still not sure why. I love them.

So today I watched TV, Secret Life was on the whole day and is still on. New season starting tomorrow. I binged on chocolate and starbursts and a cup of coffee, feeling sorry for myself. I honestly don't know why. Today felt like it was going to be a great day, and it will still turn out to be good by the end.

Last night I was texting someone, someone I used to talk to often. Things went well until the end, and of course, if one is going to turn bitchy towards me, I am going to be the bitch who ends it. And I did. This morning, I IMed him to say I was joking, because I was. I usually am. He gave me his attitude, and I just didn't want to take it. Half an hour later, still sitting in front of the TV, I acted on impulse: I grabbed my cellphone, deleted his number, his SN from AIM, all his texts ... I even thought about going upstairs back into my room and trashing the notes and pictures we have, but I didn't have the strength to. I felt fragile and weak at that point. I thought to myself, "Why did I do that ? Is this honestly how I want to end things ?" Truth ? No, that's not. I am one to take control of my life. This has taken too much of my time already, and I ended things in 2008 ... I am not going back to it. But I will still continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.

School starts tomorrow and I am definitely not ready for it. I don't mind waking up early, going to class, listening to lectures, taking notes ... What I do mind is: the people. I'm not ready to see the world again, not yet. People I have not yet learned to love. Although I must go back, I think it'll take another direction somehow. Aside from school, rehearsal for the school musical starts tomorrow. Not a big part, but still a part of it.

I've decided to put random quotes in my posts, so here it is:
Love yourself, even when it feels as though no one else does.

Forever and Always,
Vivian.